Never vacation in banff
Hey, we get it. You love Banff.
The natural beauty, the Alberta wilderness and wildlife, and the laid-back vibe of this Canadian town are all undeniably appealing. But we have some bad news for you: you should never vacation in Banff.
The problem is that Banff is a tourist trap. The town is well-known for its natural beauty, but that’s because it’s been heavily marketed as a vacation destination since the early 20th century. That means that this town has become overrun with tourists—and not just any tourists, but people who have traveled from all over the world to see one specific thing: nature.
So when you go on vacation to Banff (or anywhere else), you’re going to be surrounded by other tourists like yourself who are there for the same reasons as you—and those people aren’t going to give anything else in their surroundings a second thought because they’re too busy taking pictures of themselves in front of pretty trees or rushing across a field looking at deer or whatever else it is that makes them feel like they’re doing something meaningful while they’re on vacation (and honestly, we get it).
Never vacation in banff
Season 1, Episode 3 – “The Slump”
Rosa: Fly to Montreal, hit a classy hotel bar, bone a stranger. Slump over.
Jake: Wow, that sounds amazing.
Terry: Pick your easiest, no-brainer case and work it till it’s done.
Jake: Fine. Right after I do Rosa’s Montreal sex thing. That sounds fun.
Season 1, Episode 17 – “Full Boyle”
Jake: How’d the interview with the victim go?
Charles: It went OK. The guy was from Canada — said it was probably his fault for getting robbed and apologized for wasting my time.
Jake: Oh, Canada. Truly Odie to America’s Garfield.
Season 1, Episode 19 – “Tactical Village”
Jake: Which embassy?
Rosa: Doesn’t matter.
Jake: Fine. Canada, then.
Season 1, Episode 20 – “Fancy Brudgom”
Charles: Vivian got a job in suburban Ottawa. She wants me to retire from the NYPD and go with her…I’m excited to go. I mean, suburban Ottawa’s great. It has everything Brooklyn does — other than my job and my friends and my family, you, interesting people, museums, restaurants, every other reason that I have to live.
Jake: OK, I’m kind of picking up on a couple of clues that you maybe don’t want to retire in Canada.
Charles: Oh my god. Jake, you’re such an amazing detective. I don’t want to go!
Jake: OK, Boyle, let’s strategize on how you’re gonna tell Vivian that you don’t want to move to Canada.
*
Charles: Every time I bring up Ottawa, she says how excited she is about our future…I don’t want to move to Canada, but I can’t lose her. You’re my best man. Please help me.
Jake: Fine, I’ll try.
Charles: OK, but bring it up naturally so she doesn’t think I put you up to it.
Jake: Sure, how hard could that be? I’m constantly talking about suburban Ottawa.
*
Jake: So Vivian, do you ever go watch hockey?
Vivian: No, I’m not one for sports.
Jake: Hey, can you pass me the maple syrup, please? Speaking of, where does the best maple syrup come from again?
Charles: Vermont! Oh, and Canada.
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Vivian: Chuck is excited about moving to Canada, right, baby?
Charles: Mouth full. I love you.
Jake: But what about his job and all of his friends and his Brooklyn-based pizza blog? Do they even have pizza in Canada?
Vivian: Yes! It’s puffier and it’s sweet. It’s called Manitoba Sauce Cake.
Season 1, Episode 21 – “Unsolvable”
Charles: I’m talking to Vivian. We’re still trying to figure out whether we should move to Canada. It’s awful. Thank god it hasn’t affected how much we bathe together.
Season 2, Episode 4 – “Halloween II”
Charles: He could be anywhere. He could be in Canada by now. There are so many forests up there — that country is one giant hiding place.
Season 2, Episode 18 – “Captain Peralta”
Jake: [My dad’s] busy. He’s an airline pilot.
Charles: Regional airline.
Jake: He flies internationally!
Charles: Pfft, Quebec to Albany.
*
Roger (Jake’s dad): Last week I was flying into Albany from Quebec — you know how I always keep my snowboard with me in case I get a chance to carve. Well, Canadian customs found some prescription meds in my board bag. They’re accusing me of smuggling.
*
Jake: The Canadian cops think that my dad used his security clearance to smuggle in over a thousand pills of Turgidol.
Hitchcock: Canadian erection medication! Very potent. What? I don’t need it — but I love it.
Jake: This is about my dad and proving his innocence. Sir, I’d like to go to Canada for a few days and help him out.
*
Scully: The cops said your dad’s being held without bail, they want us on the next flight out and that Bernard’s is the best poutine place in the airport.
*
Jake: [singing] O Canada, you home of crappy cops. Guess who just freed his dad from Canadian prison and slammed six free mimosas on the first-class flight home, sans the juice?
*
Captain Holt: Nice job in Quebec. I bet the local cops weren’t happy you showed them up.
Jake: Maybe not at first, but by the end, they kept calling me a real “bâtard,” which I can only assume means “hero.”
Holt: It means “bastard.”
Season 2, Episode 19 – “Sabotage”
Jake: I always pay my power bill. Often late. One time in person with Canadian pennies.
Season 2, Episode 5 – “Halloween III”
Holt: Squad, that’s enough. You’re making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He’s Elvis.
Charles: Yes!
Holt: Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater.
Charles: No!
Season 3, Episode 7 – “The Mattress”
Jake: Submit order — province? Oh no, we’re on the Canadian website.
Season 3, Episode 10 – “Yippie Kayak”
Jake: Alright, where are you holding the hostages?
Suspect: I bet you’d like to know, eh?
Jake: Canadian?! No! You’re so clearly supposed to be German.
Voice on walkie talkie: You there?
Jake: Uh, yeah, I was oot but now I’m back, eh?
Voice on walkie talkie: Meet me in the service corridor. We’ve got a situation with the hostages.
Jake: Okey dokey, sorry to hear aboot that.
Season 3, Episode 14 – “Karen Peralta”
Jake: Topics to avoid — how my dad left us and ruined our lives, how my dad got remarried twice and ruined our lives, how my dad moved to Canada and ruined our lives.
*
Karen (Jake’s mom): I like your father. And I know he has been a selfish jerk, but he really has changed. Last month when I had bronchitis, he flew in on his day off just to bring me soup. It was this weird Canadian soup — I think it was just all cheese. But it was really nice.
Season 4, Episode 8 – “Skyfire Cycle”
Terry: You once took a train to Toronto to get a Canadian VHS copy of Die Hard.
Jake: There was a rumour it was better sound quality!
Season 4, Episode 15 – “The Last Ride”
Holt: Never vacation in Banff.
