How To Avoid Vacation With In Laws
Vacations with in-laws can be a rough experience. Separated from your partner, forced to engage in awkward small talk, and threatened with constant vigilance to maintain the peace — is it any wonder why so many marriages never last? Now, I’m sure you’re thinking, “This was dry and useless!” But please, hear me out. There were defiantly some good points made that you could use in your next vacation with your in-laws.
Everybody wants to take a nice vacation with the family. And, who wouldn’t want to spend some quality time with the beloved relatives from out-of-town. It’s fun. It’s relaxing. But if you’re single, there’s always that one person you don’t like very much who happens to be in your vacation party. That’s where I am, and I don’t even have any in-laws. It’s my mother-in-law. Sigh…
Being stuck in a car or plane that smells like old cheese with your spouse’s family can be a pain. Here are my 6 simple vacation hacks to avoid problems with your spouse’s family on vacation. I have a close friend who goes to the beach for vacation. This friend has a wife and two children. He travels with his family, which includes his in laws.
How To Avoid Vacation With In Laws
A weekend trip to a cute, seaside town could almost be described as idyllic for Tim* and Heather*. Who doesn’t want a chance to get away from the daily grind of life and finally enjoy some much-needed relaxation?
Unfortunately, neither Tim nor Heather are much looking forward to their vacation.
Down the hall from their hotel room, Heather’s parents will be in another room, her brother’s family in yet another and her sister’s family in one more.
It’s a family vacation! But how will Heather get through it as the middle-person between her family and her husband? How will Tim be able to relax when every activity – from breakfast and sight-seeing to dinner and watching the sun set – is a group activity?
If you and your spouse are facing a similar predicament, here are five things for you to remember to make the most of your extended family vacation.
Set boundaries and manage expectations beforehand
In order to avoid emotionally charged responses in the midst of a family vacation, Focus on the Family Canada counsellor Karin Gregory encourages people to be responsive, not reactive. And this requires preparation.
First, you and your spouse need to discuss what you want out of the vacation beforehand. Be prepared to make compromises, of course, but also be prepared to ask for what you want. If that’s lunch alone, away from the family, make that clear at the planning stages of your trip. If it’s ample time to wake up in the morning without a 6 a.m. itinerary bearing down on you, talk about that with your spouse. Remember: when it comes to presenting your plan, it’s up to the adult, married child to set the boundaries.
Tim can’t be the one telling his in-laws he doesn’t want to spend time with them 24/7. It’s up to Heather to set these boundaries and manage everyone’s expectations.
“Begin your own traditions while respecting theirs. Holidays offer great potential for hurt,” Lois Walfrid Johnson explains. A mother-in-law three times over, Lois is well-acquainted with the art of in-law relationships. “Before emotions get bruised, seek a compromise that seems fair to both families.”
Be gracious and accommodating
“No matter how hard you try, you may never reach the place where your in-law relationships are ideal,” Johnson writes. “Though you’ve done your best, you may need to remember God’s magnificent grace. Because He accepts all of us as we are, you can offer that same gift to others.”
This involves a great deal of forgiveness, letting go of unrealistic expectations and extending a welcoming hand to your in-laws. As a mother-in-law, Johnson says she it’s so important to help your in-laws feel wanted. Whether you’re the parent or the child, setting an example of flexibility, grace and kindness can make all the difference.
In the midst of vacation chaos, it can be easy to forget the Golden Rule. Remembering to treat everyone the way you would like to be treated can ease a lot of the stress that comes with these kinds of trips.
Have a healthy perspective
As Melissa* and Jack* began their week-long vacation with his parents, his siblings and a collection of kids – all in one cabin – they knew it wouldn’t be relaxing.
Sometimes it can be freeing to stop thinking about your extended family vacation as a vacation. It might be a bit of a chore. It might be exhausting. It might be frustrating and there may be many times where you have to hold your tongue. But ultimately, it’s a small fraction of your life that could potentially be a great memory to look back on. As soon as you let go the expectations that this will be a relaxing, feet-up kind of trip, you can be free to look for the positives amidst the inevitable frustrations.
Practice empathy
“Value open communication,” Johnson advises, “but watch for unspoken signals. Learn to recognize when your in-laws are polite but exhausted, especially if they don’t have your energy level. Think about what’s best for them.”
If you’re the mother- or father-in-law, it can be a huge gift to tell your kids it’s time for a break. They may be trying to keep up with you as much as you’re keeping up with them. And if you have kids, know that your in-laws may be as exhausted as you are. Sometimes people in a group are waiting for that one brave person to speak up and suggest a time-out.
Again, this is all done best when you’re calm, respectful and it’s coming from a place of empathy instead of a place of bitterness.
Annie Chapman, author of The Mother-in-Law Dance, suggests that if things are starting to get disagreeable, you are only in control of your own reactions. You can’t change your in-laws, but you can change yourself. Ask God for wisdom, discernment and a healthy dose of patience.
Take time to decompress as a couple
Tim and Heather may choose to stay on for a few extra nights to unwind from the family overload. Melissa and Jack took the time to walk outside and offered to get groceries – just the two of them. Looking back, those moments alone eased a lot of the tension.
Be sure to do what you need to do to decompress and recharge as a couple.
No one knows your spouse like you do, so make sure you’re in tune with what they need. If your spouse is the in-law, he or she may not be able to speak up and voice their need for a break, but you can!
“The couple comes first,” Gregory explains, even in the midst of an extended family vacation.
Q. Longing for time alone: I recently returned from a weeklong vacation with my in-laws and I’m exhausted! I love my in-laws, but a week straight with them in close confines was frankly torture. My husband’s family is very close; in fact, we all live on the same street! We see each other almost daily and my mother-in-law babysits our kids during the week while we’re at work.
The vacation we took was very extravagant and paid for almost completely by my in-laws, but not at all how I would have chosen to spend a week of precious vacation time. In talking to my other siblings-in-law, they all felt the same way. The vacation was also a “surprise” and we were all only given about two months’ notice. We know that if work commitments had not allowed us to go, there would have been HUGE problems and drama, so we all had to rearrange our work schedules and other days off in order to make a vacation that none of us really wanted to go on happen. This is not the first time this has happened either; my father-in-law frequently springs trips on us to destinations of his choice, on dates of his choosing, without any input from us, and we are all expected to be excited and grateful because he’s footing the majority of the bill. He does not appear to understand or care that this can create real issues for us at work when it comes to requesting time off.
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My husband and I have not gone on a true vacation of our own, that doesn’t involve visiting family of some sort, for almost five years because of these “surprise” trips. I know my father-in-law thinks he’s doing something nice, but it feels more like he’s just trying to control us and the way we spend our time. I feel like a total jerk for complaining about being treated to extravagant vacations, but my husband and I are grown adults who are lucky enough to be able to afford to have nice vacations on our own with just our children, but we never can because we only get so much vacation time per year and it’s all taken up with these family trips. We spend so much time with them already that it would be nice to have it be just us for once. I know that my husband’s siblings feel the same way.
Should we say something to my father-in-law? How do we tell him we don’t want to do these trips anymore, or would at least prefer shorter durations or less frequent trips, without making it seem like we are ungrateful and don’t want to spend time together? I am afraid that he will be irreparably insulted. Or are we all being terribly childish and we should just be happy and grateful that he wants to treat us to nice trips?
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A: “It’s not a good time for me to take off work, so I’ll have to miss this one” or “Thank you so much for being so generous and thinking of us, but we’ve already made plans to use our time off to take the kids to Disneyland” should be enough of an excuse for any reasonable person. And if he’s not reasonable, well, he can have a tantrum but it’s not your problem. Because this would represent a change to the way your family does things, you can even warn him: “Just wanted to let you know that we’re so grateful for the amazing times we’ve had and we appreciate you, but we’ve planned out our vacations for the coming year so we won’t be able to go on any surprise trips. Let’s make sure to spend lots of weekends together instead.”
